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Thursday, 17 April 2014

[I Have a Secret]


I am writing this now at exactly 8.00 am. I woke up at 5.30 am today with a depressing mood. Looking at the pile of text books on my table. Counting the undone works. Checking my e-mail and phone to see is there any important notice from school/lecturer/friends.

Today, I have that feeling. Have that very feeling, wanna let go everything and throw myself a party. Birthday is 4 more days to go. It's my 21st birthday, but looking at all the undone works, I only hope that, I can celebrate with my family and close friends.

I don't know why, as many words as I am typing now, my tears drop for no reason. Laptop is now in front of me, at the right corner of the table, the pile of books, left corner. Looking back to my bed, I wonder how could I sleep on that bed for so many days with books and papers on it.

I am stress. But I don't know how can I express it. I wanna shout it out loud, but I don't want people to worry. Okay ! *Taking a deep breathe* Holding my tears, my roommate is just right behind me, I dare not to turn over.

Recalling these days, people asking me, "are you okay?" I smiled," I am okay." But, deep inside me, I said, I am not okay, hug me please. But I can't. I can't affect their mood.

This is the toughest semester I have so far. Countless of sleepless night, countless of undone work. Counting down to final exam, it's exactly 18 days more left. Taking 5 core subjects, it's like a stone in my bag. I can barely walk or crawl.

But I got to stay tough. Stay strong. It's 8.41am right now. The longest time I take to write a blog post of my feelings. I have all mixture of feelings right now.

Planning to hide this post. But, I can't. I worry that I couldn't hold this and burst into the negative side of me. I gotta express this out. I prayed and pray so hard. Hoping HE will heal me, help me. Yes, HE did. But, I have to help myself too.

Please, ask me, "are you okay?" when you see me, and please, give me a big hug and wipe of my tears. I need encouragement. I need motivation.

"擦过眼泪,路还是要走,书还是要读,功课还是要做!!爱珊,加油,你可以的!!"
8.49am



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